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THE FFT SA2010 AWARDS
442 - 12 July 2010 07:00
So it’s all done for another four years. Time for us to ruminate, cogitate, digest then excrete the tournament’s highs and lows.
We’ve decided to damn and praise in the form of the first ever World Cup 2010 World Cup Awards for the World Cup. The dizzying highs, the death-defying lows, the silliest names, the coolest granddads, the best jumpers, the most random moats… they’re all here.
Drink it in, bask in it, bathe in it - then don your Zakumi pajamas, put it to bed and move on with your regular lives, people. See y’all in Brazil in four years' time – don’t forget to wind your watches back four hours and wear a hat made of bananas.
Must-have accessory
Joachim Löw’s ‘lucky’ blue jumper wasn’t jammy enough to counteract the infallible fortune bestowed by Paul the Octopus. But the natty cashmere number – modelled duskily by the brooding German sex god – did rapidly become a Teutonic fashion craze, with upscale clothier Strenesse selling out of the €199 items overnight. Essential.
Must have-accessory II (The Klumps)
Alright, it was the first winter World Cup since 1978, and pampered hacks got upset when nights were chilly. Still no need for the lengths this Honduran bloke went to.
Mustn’t have-accessory
Dunga’s chunky roll-neck. The Brazil gaffer and Barry Chuckle-alike donned a woolly pully that looked like it was designed by committee and would have been more at home on Captain Birdseye’s poop deck. And unlike Jogi’s sell-out garment, ‘Dungawear’ doesn’t seem to have caught on around Copacabana Beach, where it’s currently 34 degrees. Maybe next time he’ll go for some Dunga-rees.
Softest-sounding hardman
Waldo Ponce.
Coolest dude
You can’t help but admire Uruguay’s Seb Abreu for his breathtakingly bold (some would say idiotic) quarter-final shootout penalty chip against Ghana. The phenomenon known as El Loco back in Montevideo chose the crucial moment to ping a cavadinha. Known elsewhere as the 'falling leaf', this roughly translates as ‘small digging’: the taker watches which way the keeper is going before scooping the ball gently down the middle. Bonus points, too, for looking like he’d just wandered in from a Sepultura gig.
Biggest Curse
Mick Jagger. Stop going to England games, man!
Paul Simpson, June 29: Guilty – Jagger, Churchill & Blessed
Never blinking award
Like Great White sharks, snakes, seagulls, and halibut, Mesut Ozil is medically unable to blink. Let's get this lad a transfer to the Premiership - and an Optrex eyebath.
Names most closely resembling the warble of soul music backing singers
We can easily imagine The Supremes crooning Tshabalala and Toulalan as Diana Ross belts out a heartfelt ballad about her baby leaving her, poor lass.
Least recognisable Premier League player (in a good way)
Giovanni dos Santos
Least recognisable Premier League player (in a bad way)
Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Gareth Barry…
Biggest waste of taxpayers’ money
Alan Shearer. “Our knowledge of these two teams are limited,” smirked Shearer as Algeria prepared to take on Slovenia. So, you haven’t been arsed to read the document about the teams that a squadron of BBC researcher drones have toiled to put together then, Al? Too busy golfing with Hansen? The quality of TV analysis has become so desperate that we’re no longer surprised when an ex-footballer gets paid to trot out bleeding obvious clichés and knee-jerk wrongheadedness (“So much for Spain winning the World Cup,” grinned Shearer after their defeat the Swiss). But to openly flaunt your ignorance? A disgrace.
Least accurate sphere
The J*b*l*n*. Don't mention the ball!
Most accurate sphere (of sorts)
Paul the octopus. 
Most remarkable media backlash
Australia's shoddy 4-0 defeat to Germany prompted an unprecedented witch-hunt Down Under. Coach Pim Verbeek was called upon to quit mid-tournament, his tactics were labelled "un-Australian," and rumours of a player revolt swirled round the camp. The departing Verbeek won't forget his brutal treatment in a hurry – and even when the Socceroos recovered to win a game, their government thoughtfully decided to overshadow them by eating itself.
Mike Tuckerman, June 24: Politics overshadow Socceroos win
Slowest assassin
Gareth Barry’s pathetic late attempt to “take out” Mesut Ozil. By the time the lumbering midfielder’s challenge was disgracefully hacking at thin air, the sprightly German was in another time zone. Like a Mercedes purring past a Raleigh tricycle, it was the entire game in miniature.
Scousest Mexican
Gerrado Torrado. Try saying it.
Best accidental jump into a moat
Serbian defender Branislav Ivanovic deserved a good celebrate after scoring his nation’s winner against Germany. But when he jumped over the advertising hoardings delightedly he must have been surprised to find himself standing in the narrow but inexplicable body of water which runs round the perimeter of the Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium. If only the Northumbria Police could find a moat so quickly.
Most patriotic reaction to a national anthem
North Korean Jong Tae-Se bursting into tears before the Brazil game. Truly epic patriotic weeping.