Kicking the Busquets
A big thanks to everyone who booted Spanish midfielder Sergio Busquets – the tournament’s most-fouled player – for making this joke possible.
Best 44-year itch-scratching
Germany finally getting their own back for that 1966 Geoff Hurst goal-over-the-line business. Sure, Frank Lampard’s was BLOODY MILES across, but theirs was in the World Cup Final. Shall we call it quits, lads? 
“Breaking African Hearts” Award
One billion people live in Africa, and each and every last one of them is now a heartbroken, bereft, blubbering mess because of Asamoah Gyan's last-minute penalty miss against Uruguay – making him a bigger b*st*rd than love rats Darren Day, Dwight Yorke and Grant Bovey combined.
Coolest granddad
Tim Cahill, whose gran’pappy has got a tattoo from his neck to his knees and is the chief of a village in Samoa. Respect gigantically due.
Biggest en masse switch to supporting another sport
England fans to Andy Murray for around six days in late June, until he went and blew it, too. Erm, when does the cricket start again?
Most laughable miss
Having been delivered the slowest and most accurate pass in history on a silver ruddy platter, Nigeria’s Yakubu somehow conspired to blunder from three feet out against South Korea, spooning it back past the post. So massively moronic that he even started laughing at himself.
Gaffer most gagging for a game
We’re surprised that badger-bearded boss Diego Maradona didn’t just storm onto the pitch in his grey suit towards the end of the Germany game, dribble past eight defenders and then head in his own cross, before being wrestled from the pitch calling the ref’s mum a pig-dog-whore-snake. You know he wanted to.
Red hot & Dutch
Wheeler-dealing, high-level ticket tout extraordinaire Robbie Earle was sacked by ITV after it transpired that he’d flogged a number of tickets for a Holland game. Unfortunately for him – but happily for lady-oglers everywhere – they ended up in the moisturised palms of a gaggle of attractive orange minidress-modelling Dutch stunners working for a beer company. More remarkably, the fallout from the story revealed that the pundit had been granted FOUR HUNDRED tickets for the tournament, including 40 for the final. Which presumably means that half the main stand at Soccer City yesterday was full of ITV pundits’ mates instead of real fans. Super news.
Tightest shirt in showbiz
Argentina’s not-really-a-right-back Jonas Gutierrez. Figure-hugging!
Least surprising big surprise
Diego Forlan! He’s not the player he was at Manchester United! He can score goals! What’s going on? Er... he’s been banging them all over the shop for six years since he left Old Trafford, you Premier-centric muppets!
Best childish playground chuckle of a name
New Zealand’s Shane Smeltz. Ha!
Service to broadcasting medal
The germs that scuttled down Jim Beglin’s throat and spared us all from his inane nonsense during the Germany vs Uruguay semi-final. Well infected, malevolent micro-organisms!
Best goal
Giovanni van Bronckhorst: 61mph of wrong, walloped vigorously over 41 yards past Uruguay keeper Fernando Muslera. Booooooom!
Most appropriate jig
South Africa’s excellent display of co-ordinated dancing following Siphiwe Tshabalala-lalalalala-ooooooh-daaaarling’s barmstorming opening goal of the tournament. Great moves and genuine jubilation.10.0! 10.0! 10.0! from the World Cup Brekkie jury…
Least appropriate jig
It’s tough to forgive Luis Suarez his nasty little last-minute handball against Ghana – even if every analyst in town has admitted that any professional in that situation would have done the same thing. But what is really unforgivable is him openly dancing a sodding samba when Gyan missed his penny, swinging his hips with even further gusto on the final whistle, and then declaring himself ‘the new hand of God’. Git.
Worst game
Paraguay vs New Zealand. A team unwilling to score against a team unable to score. Televisual Diazapam.
Worst day
No prizes for guessing who had to wear Dunga’s wally-jumper on the flight home to Rio after Brazil’s exit to Holland: Felipe Melo scored a horrible own goal then got red carded for a horrible challenge, setting a new and horrible record. Bozo. (And we know FIFA awarded the own goal to Sneijder, but they don't have jurisdiction over us, so tough, Sepp.)